Winter training week 3 - last chance to dance

I sent an email to both Sensei and Joe in advance of practice. I thought it best they were aware that this was my last proper practice. Unfortunately Sensei and Joe hadn't had chance to read the email and that left Joe in a slightly difficult position that he had no idea until the end of practice why I wasn't in full bogu. I think I owe him an apology at some point for this. Anyway it was also club photograph night and thankfully there were enough people not to make it embarrassing. One of the many sad things about leaving is that there will be one less person at the club and at least two currently practicing in the picture have signed up for the armed forces. I hope Beginner's Night furnishes the club with new and dedicated members to ensure the healthy continuation of Liverpool Kendo.

The training itself was quite hard because every time I tried to actually hit anything if there was even any slight disappointment I quickly wondered "so what?" Did it matter if I actually tried to resolve the mistake? It's not like any of it made any point anymore - that's really not how I wanted to end. I have to say watching the guys eventually put bogu on was one of the hardest things. Knowing this was something I could no longer do was so painful, knowing these guys are going to continue on the path and next year, although it won't be the next time I see them, they will have progressed and I couldn't share in that or be pushed by them to stop them 'snapping at my heels' ;)

If I thought just watching was difficult, just the sound of a decent cut is something that sends a thrill through me but every one was a little reminder that I could not do this. The funny thing is I probably could. The only thing I shouldn't be doing is ji-geiko and receiving. I could in fact do kihon and some waza drills [which I love], maybe not with my men on - the weight wouldn't help my neck. But then there isn't really a way to entertain such  selfishness and again the reasons why I wouldn't be able to do it don't advertise the activity in a good light.

Then came 'the big reveal'. At the end of practice Sensei welcomed Sensei Mike back from his illness and had to announce that I would not be coming back to take part. By that stage I was gone and following mokuso and reigi the entire class lined up to rei to me! I've never felt so moved and honored and I'm extremely grateful to everyone who participated in tonight's class.

I should be at kata practice in a few weeks to help out and then we'll see how things go.